am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
