seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
