Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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