Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
