Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
