so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
