i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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