look no pants
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Randomize
