This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
