New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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