I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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