Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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