I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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