Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
