is your mom at the bar?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
