Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
