well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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