im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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