I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize