So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
