I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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