I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
