Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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