theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
