): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
