i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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