Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
