so explain again why im purple
no
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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