I think i peed on brittanys purse
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Your penis caused this!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
