I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
