I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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