Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Randomize
