Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Randomize
