The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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