I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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