Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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