Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
