If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
