The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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