I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
