I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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