She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
