just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
