im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
