She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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