There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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