Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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