You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
