i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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