I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
