so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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