i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
