: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
