her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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