tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
