is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
