And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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