I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
