One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
