I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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